Dear Alcohol, where did we go wrong?

Dear Alcohol,

I am compelled to write this letter as I feel we’re finding it hard to communicate these days. The tone of our relationship has definitely changed and its making me feel sad. What have I done to make you behave in this unreasonable fashion? We go back a long way. We’ve been friends for over 20 years. Lets not throw it all away now.

As a teenager you gave me confidence. You were always there to bolster me up and help me talk to boys. You momentarily stopped me caring about the size of my thighs, and you taught me that I could be both funny and interesting when you were there with me. You also made me fall over while I was doing a wee in a field, but you made it so hilarious that I won’t hold it against you.

Then you came with me to university. We had such fun together. We were out every night together, I loved you so much I shared my student loan with you. You once made me throw up in someone’s washing machine and you encouraged me to snog some unsavoury characters. You even tried your hardest to stop me finishing my degree, but I still loved you.

Then I started work and you came with me to London, but that was when you introduced me to your other mates, the hangover crew. They used to come round the next day, sometimes they would follow me to work. They made me eat a lot of salt and vinegar crisps, but they weren’t so bad. Sometimes we would spend whole Sundays in bed watching box sets together. It was almost fun. And it was around then that you who introduced me to my husband.

Then we were out of touch for a while. Twice we’ve gone 9 months without a word. I missed you desperately. Then I struggled to see you, what with the breastfeeding and everything. Maybe this was when it all went wrong. Now when we meet up, its like you hate me.

But my husband and I, we cant let go of the old days. We still get so excited when we know you’re coming round, just the thought of you makes me heady with anticipation. But you don’t stay for long anymore. Its like a dirty one night stand these days, you come round and you make me want to go straight to bed. The next day I feel used. I just want to watch old episodes of Jonathan Creek on the sofa whist eating wotsits. But your horrible mates keep messing with our heads and sending in the children.

I’m not so bad, but my husband is really buckling under the pressure. Last week my daughter informed me that your nasty mates made him “Do some sicks in the cake making bowl” at 7am when he thought she was watching Aladdin. It isn’t on. This isn’t how real friends treat each other.

Lets sort this out once and for all, come round on Friday, its my work Christmas do, lets hang out. I won’t bring the children, so just leave your vindictive mates at home the next day eh?

Yours forever

A Mother.

PS, I have enclosed some photos of us together in happier times.

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