WORMS – Eugh…..

Worms. The scourge of the toddler population. Discovered by Mr Mess Stress and Fancy Dress in a horrendous playground wild-wee, that was actually a wild poo in disguise, situation. That playground trip could be a post all of its own, but fortunately for me, I wasn’t there and it’s not my story. My story at that time involves smugly making a roast dinner whilst sneakily watching Jeremy Kyle on the I-pad in the kitchen. The smugness obviously ramped up to Simon Cowell proportions when he returned with a shit-stained child under one arm and a wailing toddler under the other.

So anyway, the Diva did an emergency poo behind a bush in a park, (you know, standard) this poo turned out to have worms in it. Mr Mess Stress and Fancy Dress called me immediately to notify me of this rather unsavoury turn of events and I called the pharmacy to get the low down. They informed me that worms are enormously infectious and we all need to be treated as a family as we’ve probably all got it. Symptoms include an itchy arse and potential loss of appetite. As an individual with a lifelong commitment to food, it’ll take more than a small parasite to put me off my Swiss roll, but no sooner had these these words been spoken and I find myself scratching my arse. I don’t think I had been until now, but now I realise I’m doing it, I feel utterly horrified. Jesus Wept, I am a glorified wormery.

It gets worse. The pharmacist proceeds to explain to me how the worms are spread. Like Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption, when he escapes the prison and emerges from the pooey pipe coated in sewage, they come squirming their way out of your child’s arse at night and lay eggs. This process involves mucus that’s itchy, so your child gets involved in some nocturnal arse scratching. They then get up and touch something in the house with their worm eggy bum scratchy dirty mitts. You touch it too. You prepare some food. Your whole family essentially eats your toddlers shit with a delightful side order of worm eggs. I don’t know about you, but by this point I’ve just done a bit of sick in my mouth and I’m considering creating a complicated system of hutches and cages for the garden, with a view to re-housing the children.

I am both reassured and disgusted to discover that about 25% of under 5’s have worms at any given time. So we all take the medicine and we clean the house like Kim and Aggy on speed. I look forward to nits. At least that parasite has the good manners not to travel in shit……..

Friday Frolics



    1. Brilliantly funny post about a not so funny subject. We have been blessed not to have had ‘this visit’ but I know some that have. We have had similar ‘visits’ to other sections so I do feel your pain. I stumbled upon your blog on #twinkly Tuesday, really like your writing style and humour. I’m also a new kid on the blog – since June.


      1. Hello lovely, I went and hung out in your blog for a bit, nice work! Thanks for reading lovely new blog buddy. Xxx

    1. ARGH!!!!! We have not had the pleasure of worms yet, this post has certainly given me an itchy arse though 😉
      So thanks for that!!

      1. I can only apologise for all arse scratching I have caused in the making of this post. Thank you for reading! Xxxxx

      1. Gone for now but the outlook seems bleak according to feedback, I think worms comes back a lot so we’ll be mainlining the medicine on a regular basis! Thanks for reading lovely lady. Xxxx

      1. I never realised that you were best off treating the kids like a pet and just deworming and delousing them. Astonished this is such a common invasion! Thank you for reading. I just checked out your blog. Good work! Xxx

    1. Nice! I’m reading this and now want scratch my bum. As I’m on my lunchbreak in an open plan office I won’t! We missed worms but nits were a regular visitor. Funny post on a icky subject

      1. We’ve not had nits yet but thinking about them makes me want to scratch my head – more socially acceptable than your bum! Thank you for reading. X

    1. Brilliant post – I know that the whole experience was horrid but this is hilarious to read! I hope all worms have gone now and you are no longer scratching your arse! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

      1. Mr mess stress and fancy dress might have had a little vom at the thought of the worms. It was rank but we are now delightfully worm free. I still scratch my arse every time I think about it though….. Thank you for your lovely friendly linky! Xxx

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