Worms. The scourge of the toddler population. Discovered by Mr Mess Stress and Fancy Dress in a horrendous playground wild-wee, that was actually a wild poo in disguise, situation. That playground trip could be a post all of its own, but fortunately for me, I wasn’t there and it’s not my story. My story at that time involves smugly making a roast dinner whilst sneakily watching Jeremy Kyle on the I-pad in the kitchen. The smugness obviously ramped up to Simon Cowell proportions when he returned with a shit-stained child under one arm and a wailing toddler under the other.
So anyway, the Diva did an emergency poo behind a bush in a park, (you know, standard) this poo turned out to have worms in it. Mr Mess Stress and Fancy Dress called me immediately to notify me of this rather unsavoury turn of events and I called the pharmacy to get the low down. They informed me that worms are enormously infectious and we all need to be treated as a family as we’ve probably all got it. Symptoms include an itchy arse and potential loss of appetite. As an individual with a lifelong commitment to food, it’ll take more than a small parasite to put me off my Swiss roll, but no sooner had these these words been spoken and I find myself scratching my arse. I don’t think I had been until now, but now I realise I’m doing it, I feel utterly horrified. Jesus Wept, I am a glorified wormery.
It gets worse. The pharmacist proceeds to explain to me how the worms are spread. Like Tim Robbins in the Shawshank Redemption, when he escapes the prison and emerges from the pooey pipe coated in sewage, they come squirming their way out of your child’s arse at night and lay eggs. This process involves mucus that’s itchy, so your child gets involved in some nocturnal arse scratching. They then get up and touch something in the house with their worm eggy bum scratchy dirty mitts. You touch it too. You prepare some food. Your whole family essentially eats your toddlers shit with a delightful side order of worm eggs. I don’t know about you, but by this point I’ve just done a bit of sick in my mouth and I’m considering creating a complicated system of hutches and cages for the garden, with a view to re-housing the children.
I am both reassured and disgusted to discover that about 25% of under 5’s have worms at any given time. So we all take the medicine and we clean the house like Kim and Aggy on speed. I look forward to nits. At least that parasite has the good manners not to travel in shit……..