How to “do” Duplo. By your toddler.

Make me Thunderbird 2.

You know dickhead, the yellow one. Yes out of Duplo. Come on. What do you mean you can’t make a round object out of some stupid square bricks? Course you can. I heard you telling my big sister that we can do anything if we practice enough, so crack on. Just practice more, you smug fuck. Slacker. When you’ve finished you can make Thunderbird 3. No stupid, the red one. Jesus, I’m working with an idiot here.

Right lets get started. No no no, don’t be handing me the bricks, I want you to do it. I’m not helping, but I fully intend to throw an almighty tantrum if you do it wrong. Seriously, the window?? Everyone knows you have to start with the big flat plate. And I want it to be yellow, but if you actually use a yellow brick, I’m going to scream. I’ll be forced to pull the yellow brick off and throw it under the sofa in disgust. And that will be your fault not mine. The frame work is perfectly clear here. Do I really need to spell out the rules again mummy you muppet?

Right you dicksplat, here they are. Now make sure you concentrate, I’m not telling you again.

  • Whatever you are making it needs animals. And people. All the people and animals we have. Yes, even the shit farmer/zoo keeper one that lost his hair. Thunderbirds 2 definitely had a penguin, and probably a giraffe. And Ariel from Little Mermaid.
  • You start with the flat plate thing. Whatever colour one you chose will be wrong. I will not concede until we get to the last option, and then I’ll still make you work hard to convince me.
  • I will need you to use all of the bricks that my sister is currently using. The ones we have will not do.
  • If you refuse to sanction this, I’m just taking them anyway. We both know that. I’ll throw her “hotel” on the floor. I don’t give a shit. And I -pulled Snow White’s uneccessary fabric skirt off and hid it in that stupid Orchard Games shopping list shit game box you keep trying to make me play. You’ll never find it in there.
  • When I touch what you have made me it will break. I will not be gentle. And when it breaks, its your fault. You made it, right?
  • The moment you think I am engrossed in actually playing with this creation, I will cry. You will return, you will fix it. you will leave, I will cry. You will return, you will fix it, you will leave. This will continue at 30 second intervals until you crack and put the telly on.
  • Oh and as you walk away, you’re probably going to tread on a piece. And eveyone knows that hurts nearly as much as treading on a plug. Loser.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm Paw Patrol, that’s it Mummy, you go off and make yourself some coffee, you deserve it.

Life Love and Dirty Dishes
Pink Pear Bear


    1. I was deliriously happy to just find this in my inbox!!!! It’s been the perfect pick me up to the end of a bad day!! I’ve just come back from a hospital appointment to find that in my absence, my mum fed my children a heady mixture of 6 cereal bars, haribo, jelly beans, ice cream, juice, and probably speed, just to really put the icing on that sugary, e-number, aspartame fucking nightmare. I’m not even joking, they were going batshit, and I mean BATSHIT crazy. I’ve just wrestled the youngest into bed, absolutely steaming…! So having a humongous chuckle and nod along to this has been perfect!! Yes, just yes to all of it!! Yes, they will only want the last colour/shape of the 25 on offer. Yes, they will always claim dibs on anything their sibling has, and in our house, there’s a full on fight to the death to try and get what the sibling has….!! Although my children do go mental for that shopping list game, although I have to fix it that each of them takes in turns to win, and I’m condemned to certain torture should I win!! And you deserve more than coffee for putting up with these shenanigans-you deserve wine!!!!!! Glad to see you back, and thanks for the laughter!!

      1. Ahhhh thanks lovely! It was nice to find my funny again after a long absence of any kind of inspiration! Woo-hoo. Wow, you can play the shopping list game without threatening murder? Impressive stuff. I have cider. All is well……

      1. People just don’t say dicksplat enough these days. Not since 1989 anyway. thanks for reading xx

    1. Nice to meet another blogger who likes swearing as much as me! I always love the bit where they build a tower and if you try to add a bit it’s RUINED!!!! FOREVER!!!! #FridayFrolics

      1. Oooh I love a good swear. I will NEVER be a sponsored blogger, the air around my website is blue! thanks for reading xx

    1. At least they are playing with actual toys. I say this because my youngest child has currently taken to an orange being his toy of choice and insists on taking it everywhere with him. Yes that’s right, an ORANGE! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics Helen x

    1. Ha haaa Lucy’s comment!!! Well I just hated this. Honestly call yourself a writer? Totally bored reading this. Translation: obviously loved every word. You make me scream with laughter as you know already. In deep admiration of your ‘outside the box’ blog posts. Ugh. #BigPinkLink

    1. AH! The true horrors of Duplo playing! I usually cringe and start breaking out in cold sweat the minute someone (who obviously wants to get back at me) gifts us a box. And it usually ends up everywhere! Brilliantly funny, takes me back to the days but mind you we’re still in Lego obsession – yep, those it’s those tiny tiny tiny bloody pieces which of course your child will need to lost 5 minutes after ripping the bag. #bigpinklink

      1. Ahh yes, the Diva is into lego. We are entirely unable to keep any set together and keep encouraging her to use her imagination and make her own things in the hope she never notices we’ve lost it all. Thank you so much for making me one of your blogs of the week! xxx

    1. And that’s why I his the Duplo. Who needs the additional stress? I’ll get it back out again…when he’s five.
      PS hope we get to chug champers again together soon. I think that stuff was actually nonalcoholic though, first time Ive woken up without a hangover since I turned 23.

      1. Yes, again again!!!! But with actual alcohol this time!!! Loved meeting you, sorry you were so tired!!!

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