Why I’m always late for work….

My husband doesn’t understand how stressful it is to try to get two kids ready and get yourself to work on time. Granted he doesn’t know this as he leaves the house at 5.45am and I know it sucks that he is up so early. However I largely get up about 15 minutes later and I’d happily trade in those 15 minutes in bed if it meant I didn’t have to get involved in the following debacle;

  • The Hulk (2) starts the process of cot shouting at about 6am. This usually involves wailing “Mummy” at top volume whilst banging the nearest hard object against the bars. If he is unable to locate anything appropriate he will use his head.
  • I try to get ready for work as quietly as possible so as not to disturb the Diva (4) whose bedroom is next to the bathroom. This means I cannot shower, flush the toilet or use the electric toothbrush. She is usually awake, but waiting for the sun on her clock to come up at 6.45am. She will do this nicely, on the condition that no one else appears to be awake. The moment she suspects there is “fun” happening without her she must flout the rules and come running out of her bedroom. I use the term “fun” loosely, as knowingly missing out on watching me taking a shit is too much to ask.
  • It is now 6.30 and the Hulk’s shouts have reached an unacceptable volume so he must be released from his cage cot. He joins me back in my bedroom while I apply make up. He demands “Pat” on the I-player, he then proceeds to totally ignore our favourite inept postman in favour of launching himself at me while I apply make up. Now I have black mascara in my blond hair and I am blind in one eye from having an eyeshadow applicator shoved in it. I get dressed. The Diva appears just in time to ask me for the millionth time why my girlie bits are furry.
  • I turn off Postman Pat. Despite the fact that he wasn’t actually watching it, the Hulk throws a tantrum. We leave him there and go and brush our teeth. The Diva will not go for a wee, she has just got up but is adamant she does not need the toilet. Stupid Mummy disagrees so now both children are tantruming in separate rooms. I return to the Hulk, brandishing a toothbrush. This drives the tantrum to reach biblical proportions. We assume the standard daily wrestling position and the teeth are clean. I now have toothpaste on my trousers.
  • Grabbing a baby wipe to clean off the toothpaste, we go downstairs for breakfast. The Hulk empties the Shreddies onto the kitchen floor while the Diva starts doing a wee dance. She admits that she does in fact need a wee and runs up the stairs whilst shouting “it’s coming out mummy, it’s too late!” She reappears naked from the waist down which is how she eats her breakfast. The Hulk throws his cereal all over himself and is distressed to be covered in cold milk. His wet pyjamas also bite the dust and they are now both half naked.
  • They are losing interest in finishing breakfast, they moan and I crack and agree to watching Katy Perry videos on the iPad at the dining table. I manage to sneak some spoonfuls of Cheerios in the Hulks mouth in between “Roars”
  • It is now about 7.45. I need to leave at 8.00am to get to work on time. I lay the Diva’s clothes into an on the floor person. image
  • She absent mindedly dresses herself while I chase around the downstairs of the house after the Hulk (singing the Benny Hill theme tune in my head) I finally capture him and we sit where the clothes were, only to discover that they are no longer there. I waste 5 minutes looking for them and locate them on the back door-mat having been posted out the cat flap at some point in the morning. They are now wet. I choose new clothes. I recapture the Hulk. He screams as getting dressed is a clear infringement of his basic human rights. By now it is 8am I am just asking the Diva to get her coat on when I spot her clean pants on the floor. She is outraged at the request to actually put some pants on, so there is a slight delay while she shouts at me. I bribe her with a chocolate coin and with the helpful addition of some princess pants, we leave the house. It is 8.10am.
  • Fortunately my sister who looks after the Diva when I go to work is only 3 doors away. She runs to her house, I wave at my sister and take the Hulk to nursery. He does a poo in his car seat so that we arrive at nursery smelling of shit and ensuring that I look negligent.

I am late for work. Again.

The Twinkle Diaries


    1. Hilarious… I only have 1 to get ready at the moment, but 2 days a week we have to be out of the house by 7.20…that’s not easy! #TwinklyTuesday

    1. Oh boy, it’s all starts to Thursday when I have to get myself and the Tubblet out the door for the school bus / bus to station … Hopefully we won’t be late! Good luck for tomorrow! #twinklytuesday

    1. I hear you! I only have the one toddler (almost 3) but I am always later for work. When he’s going to my mum’s, I need to leave the house at 7am but you can put a bet on that i won’t be able to leave until 7.05 and you wouldn’t believe the difference in traffic in those 5 minutes! Twice a week I am supposed to be at my desk at 8.30 but alas, it’s usually 8.40! Luckily no one in my team is ever in so they have no idea! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

      1. Thanks for the linky, you are all fabulous hosts! You are some kind of hero getting out of the house for 7am! thanks so much for reading. xxx

    1. Brilliant post! I really admire anyone who wrangles 2 toddlers into clothes of a morning, one is too much for me and I am lucky that most mornings she stays at home with nanny and I go to work, all that changes this week though. she starts nursery in just 2 days :s

    1. i love the bit where you are singing the benny hill theme tune! Actually love this whole post. It reminds me a lot of our Saturday morning ballet preparations!

      1. I am now late for everything! Ballet, swimming, work, school run. Prior to having kids I was early for everything and found lateness very rude. Now I am the perpetrator! thanks so much for reading.

    1. Hun, I cannot wait for all this to come my way! Quite frankly I am shitting myself now!

      Also, I think a little pee came out while I was reading this, especially when Diva was running up the stairs with it ‘coming out’, this was pretty much me for 4months after Jack was born! 🙂 Great post as always – you never fail to make me chuckle xx #TwinklyTuesday

      1. Hey gorgeous! Oh it will do, it’ll be there before you know it, although the captain couldn’t possibly stop being cute for long enough to throw a tantrum could he???? Xxxx

    1. This I’d me everyday. I have two hulks! I am amazed everyday how fantastic they are. I am however considering turning to alcohol as a measure for health. Love you post. It’s so very true.

      1. I drink pints of gin and tonic. Enough said! And I adore my monsters (after 9am) thank you so much for reading. X

    1. Hilarious. I can’t get anywhere on time with my one year old and two year old – can’t imagine the stress if I had to get them out of house and get to work each day!

      1. It’s a joy, although there is the treat of the wee on your own at work at the end of it so it’s worth the mission! Thanks for reading x

    1. This cracked me up to no end! Thank you for sharing your struggles in a way that makes me feel slightly less insane about my own. I am a SAHM and I STILL cannot seem to get anywhere on time. Pisses my mother off. ~Sigh~

      1. Clearly your mother has forgotten (dear god there are things that occur almost daily that I hope I can wipe from my brain in 20 years time!) the joys of trying to leave the house with small people! Thank you so much for reading x

    1. I can already imagine the chaos! Haha. Such a fun post to read and yet I know how frustrating it is. I dont have work but we are usually late for school too! #TwinklyTuesday

      1. We are late everywhere yet I still find lateness very rude. I am an idiot. We’ll see if we make it to first day at school on time! Thank you so much for reading. X

      1. I have read quite a few of your blog posts so it is lovely to see you writing a comment here! Thank you so much for reading I feel all excited now at this brush with celebrity, like the time I saw Margaret Thatcher at Guide camp. xxxxx

    1. Brilliant post. Thanks for reminding us all we are not alone! I only have one (until no.2 arrives at the end of the month) and yet I recognise all of this. I love the mornings I get up for work at 3am. So much easier than the ones I get up at 6am for childcare 🙂

    1. This made me belly laugh! Im so glad Im not the only one who has a hulk and diva who sit butt naked at the table eatting breakfast!
      Thanks for the morning giggle!

    1. Helen I’ve just found your blog via Selfish Mother and have been binge-reading loads of old posts while I’m meant to be working. This one made me laugh so hard I cried, it’s very familiar! Your blog is brilliant, and so funny and well written. Keep up the good work!!

    1. I understand why people are late, I just don t understand why so many people accept it so easily, and don t try to change it. In the comments below I read a lot of I m a clip , or yeah that s totally me , but not many I m doing my darnest to change , and that s just because many people just don t care enough about the people waiting for them.

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