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Goodbye sun, Hello moon….(we’ll have more fun tomorrow)

It’s been a terrible day. Everybody in my care has had an injury. The Diva fell over her own feet on the way to school and got her uniform covered in mud. She was wearing the Mr Bump sticker of clumsiness when I picked her up, so there had been another accident at school. Then there was a trampoline related incident after school, between her and younger niece involving the Diva’s head and my niece’s tooth. There was blood. It was bad. In a grand finale, the Hulk picked up a jug on the table while I was in the kitchen serving dinner. He emptied the entire 2 litre water jug on to the dining room table. The kids all screamed, everyone was wet, I came running and in my haste accidently knocked him off his chair where he landed head first on the wooden floor. He has an egg on his head the size of a walnut. It is entirely my fault. I feel like the worst mother in the world.

In my previous life as a recruitment consultant, a bad day would be washed away with a few enormous glasses of Sancerre in a bar at about 6.30pm. I would probably be wearing some high heels and a suit (which might even be clean, with no trace of snot) and I’d be eating a Parma-ham and balsamic vinegar salad which I would find to be entirely satisfying. Today the end of the day leaves me feeling slightly shell-shocked. Sadly that glass of wine now costs more than my weekly entertainment budget, and the thought of a few bits of ham and lettuce for tea makes me feel achingly sad.  The end of another challenging day is now marked by the following activities:

  • Put kids to bed.
  • Send absent husband a text summarising the day, so he knows what to expect. Today’s text read “Children injured. Not serious. Now in bed. Do not to return home without both doughnuts and a straight jacket, I am unable to do the washing up”
  • Open cupboards desperately seeking alcohol. Am unable to find anything. Finally notice the rank bottle of 3-for-£10 wine that was relegated to “cooking wine”. I am in no mood to wash up, so pour wine into the only available glass – a pint glass (it’s probably for the best)
  • Await return of husband with medicinal doughnut.
  • Watch an old episode of Midsummer Murders under a slanket wearing an old fleece wrapped around my feet as I can’t possibly be expected to locate my slippers.
  • Become impatient.
  • In absence of the doughnut, eat half a packet of wotsits the toddler didn’t finish at lunchtime.
  • Realise that this is the culinary equivalent of having a one night stand. Disappointingly unsatisfying, and I now feel sullied and soiled. Sadly both me and the Wotsits know this isn’t the final chapter in our dirty love affair, we will steal loaded glances at each other across the room at children’s parties. We will occasionally meet up in secret when backs are turned. Don’t judge me.
  • Scowl at husband as he returns empty handed from work at 9.30pm.
  • Do not discuss the illicit daliance with orange snack goods.
  • Try not to be annoyed about the lack of doughnut. Tell him how I have broken his children. Pretend to listen while he moans about contract negotiations, difficult clients and traffic.
  • Heat up his dinner.
  • Add hot water to the children’s cold bath water. Settle in and finally start relaxing.
  • Remember that the toddler did a massive wee in the water earlier.
  • Lie in the piss-water reading Heat magazine until I nod off and drop the magazine in the water.

Goodbye sun, we’ll have more fun tomorrow now its time to say, hello moon. Goodbye sun, hello moon………

You Baby Me Mummy

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23 Comments

    1. Oh. my. god. I literally cant bare it for you, Id say something comforting like ‘It can only get better’ or ‘tomorrows a new day’ but that line about the piss-water has sent me into complete hysterics.. there are no words.
      Ill send more wine and wotsits (a pack of six – you might as well make it count) xx
      PS .. I know this is selfish but your bad day has totally cheered me up, is that wrong?

      1. Hello you! Send wotsits. Send them immediately. Please, do feel better at my expense. Really something good should come of it.

    1. Open cupboards desperately seeking alcohol – haha I’m pretty sure this is what every mum does as soon as they get downstairs from putting their child/children in bed! I usually can’t even wait til then! #FridayFrolics

      1. I am generally confused by people with small children who don’t drink. How do they function?? thanks for reading. xx

    1. Pisswater! Snort! (Sorry!)
      We’ve all been there Mama! I too am familiar with the half eaten packet of wotsits, and the desperate search for alcohol. At least we can laugh about it! Hey?

      1. Its truly a desperate search. When will I learn. I try to buy less alcohol as I am fat skint, but this is very silly indeed and I should just accept that I NEED it. thanks for reading!

    1. Yesterday I spent 20 minutes in a very busy doctors waiting room with a screaming (as in blue murder) 18 month old (yes he was mine). I avoided eye contact with everyone and hung my head in shame. I didn’t however bath in piss. You win 😉 Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

    1. Can’t describe how much I love this. The doughnut references, the Wotsits! The ‘breaking the children’ line. Every bit. Laughed and felt sad at the same time. You’re a superstar. Love ya! Thanks for linking to #BabyBrainMemoir Keep smiling.

      1. Ahhh Prabs, don’t feel sad. Tomorrow is a new day (in which I can find other ways of crashing through motherhood) I love it that you loved it. Are you just sad because you though that the Wotsits were saving themselves for you? xxxx

    1. There are no words as to how much I love this, EXCEPT for the reference that Wotsits are only good for a seedy side affair over donuts??Just no. Wotsits in all their orange cheesy (maybe cheesy, synthetic orangeness) goodness are the GOD of all snacks……’babybrainmondays

    1. Isn’t wine always drunk from a wine glass?… If doughnuts are medicinal then I think they should be free! Fab post. Thanks for linking up with #Thelist xx

    1. Love this! I am sorry that your bad day made me laugh but it was the piss water that got me. We have had tantrums before now because when it’s bathtime Zach doesn’t want to pee in the toilet, he wants to get in the bath, stand up and pee into it. Just gross.! I hope your following days were better! Thanks so much for linking up with #TwinklyTuesday

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