So you’ve just had a baby, you’re a little bit in awe of your amazing wife/partner, you watched her experience excruciating pain and if you’re honest you’re a bit scarred from the whole experience, it wasn’t what you were expecting. You’re filled with an overwhelming mix of emotions including shock, love, joy, hunger and exhaustion. You feel a sense of pride and responsibility, you’re supposed to provide for both of these people and be a pillar of strength and stability. Well she managed the whole birth thing so of course, you’re just the man for the job. But what’s this? You’re wife appears to be completely and utterly mental. She is indeed quite mad, however she did just push an actual human being out of her lady garden, so cut her some slack for a bit eh? The madness will pass, and here are some helpful hints and tips until normal service is resumed.
- Do not tell her she looks beautiful, she might currently be mad, but she is not stupid and she has eyes. She hasn’t brushed her hair in three days, she’s wearing an old dressing gown with baby vomit on the shoulder, baked bean juice on one sleeve and her pockets are filled with breast pads. She looks like shit and you both know it. Tell her she is brave, tell her she is strong, tell her she is amazing but don’t insult her intelligence.
- Never run out of biscuits. Just keep supplying them, never comment on how many there were yesterday or appear surprised that in one short day an entire packet of chocolate hobnobs and a chunky kit Kat have disappeared. And let’s never speak of the fact that the emergency fig rolls that went out of date last year have gone. Just act like its normal and buy more.
- Don’t ever say that you’re tired. It’s like telling Jeremy Kyle that you can’t get a job. No good will come of it.
- Don’t mess with the nest. That collection of important items that surround her on the sofa are all entirely necessary when she settles in for an hour of breastfeeding and knows she can’t move. Changing the Chanel on the TV and leaving the remote control out of reach is likely to get you stabbed.
- Don’t ask her to make any descisions. About anything. Even what takeaway she wants, she can’t decide right now, her brain is full of schedules, timings, temperatures, nappy creams, love and despair.
- Equally don’t decide for her. She’s not a fucking child you know.
- Do not be offended by anything she says when she is tired. In her heart she knows you’re tired too, she knows you love her and she knows you’re trying to help. But her cleavage smells of old cheese, it’s pot noodle for tea and your mum just implied that your house is a bit dusty.
- Never ever ever tell her she is mad. Not even when she’s crying over DIY SOS. Not even when she just bollocked you for putting the baby’s vests away in the sock section, just smile and tell yourself it will pass, it will pass.
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