I sometimes think my shame was ejected from my body along with the placenta. Having spent 8 hours of my life in a small room with collection of people ranging from midwives, consultants, students and probably the work experience boy and his French foreign exchange student all putting their hands in my lady garden, it’s hard to retain any sense of self consciousness. To be fair I didn’t have loads of shame before I got pregnant so it wasn’t a great starting point.
But nearly 4 years on, I find I have turned into the kind of mother that well-to-do mothers tut at, normal mums probably just think I’m a bit of a dick. But protected by my general lack of self awareness, I carry on doing the following things regardless.
- Gallop. We gallop everywhere, we make horse noises, we snort, nay and clip-clop all the way to nursery. We love it. At nearly 4, when the Diva gallops it looks cute. When 36 year old Mummy gallops with breasts and stomach flapping all over the place, less so.
- Shouting toddler profanities. Fun for all the family. Even the 23 month old Incredible Hulk joins in. His vocabulary is still small so he can only manage “poo” but me and Diva like to see who can shout “bottoms” the loudest. We leave other pre-schoolers being reprimanded by their mums for joining in, in our wake. We don’t care!
- Pushchair wheelies. – Thrill seeking Hulk loves nothing more than me pushing the buggy at speed, shouting weeeeeeeeee and lifting 2 wheels off the ground. Much hysterical laughter and shouting of “more” ensues.
- Singing loudly in public. – sometimes people join in, volunteering animals for the 22nd round of “old McDonald had a farm” when I’ve run out of ideas. Sometimes they just look at me with a mixture of pity and confusion as I complete Heads, Shoulders Knees and Toes outside the school gates as we wait for my nieces. And to be clear, I really can’t carry a tune very well.
- Fancy dress. We all love fancy dress. I have an adults Cinderella outfit. It’s made of a rather fetching blue satin polyester material. Some days we just dress up in our matching princess clothes and hang out doing magic and dancing. Even the Hulk looks a bit confused, and I’m fairly confident the Amazon delivery man thinks I’ve escaped from a mental home.
…….he’s not far from the truth. But if the kids are smiling we’re all smiling. Who needs shame when kids are the perfect excuse to act like a dick in public.
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