Things my children never need to know

So you had a life before the kids right? You probably threw up in some nightclub toilets, had sex in a field at least once, and definitely lied to your parents. So the burning question is…..given a choice, would you ever want your kids to know this?

As the children grow, I am becoming increasingly aware of all the things I’ve done that I never want them to know about – let alone try for themselves. To be fair, writing this blog is probably a terrible idea, as I’m about to draw your attention to them, and maybe one day my offspring might even read it (God help them). It’s not that I am necessarily ashamed of my past, (although I don’t know anyone who is actually proud of vomiting in a washing machine), more that I am concerned that whatever respect they may have for me, may be jeopardised by knowing me better. And actually there are some things about the big wide world I want to hide from them forever too. I don’t want them to grow up naïve, but I don’t want them to be jaded. How do you strike the balance?

So here are my top 10 things that I never want my kids to know.

  1. That you can actually drink 10 pints of cider without dying. – Really you can. You might wish you had died, when you remember the ugly boy you snogged in O’Neills, you might appear to have lost one of your shoes, but you are still breathing (just don’t let anyone smell your breath to check)
  2.  That I ever had sex with anyone that isn’t their Dad. Telling them this is tantamount to spraypainting “slag” outside my house, and signing us all up to the next series of Geordie Shore.
  3. That I once called one of them a Dickhead in the Harvester when they were a toddler. Once they are a parent, they will probably understand. Until then, they will never know the frustration of leaving their father to decimate the “Combine Harvester” while you physically wrestle them away from the self service coke dispenser. Avoiding making eye contact with the tracksuited teenager who has coke running down their left leg, did not prevent it from being my fault.
  4. That I dropped one of them on their head when they were 2 weeks old. They probably don’t need to know that, although it does explain a lot.
  5.  How much time I have spent crying over stuff. I am a strong confident woman who is not to be messed with right? Who am I trying to kid? I’m like a fat blonde Kardashian, (but you know, in a cardigan, with sensible shoes). I can’t keep my shit together for more than about 5 minutes.
  6.  That the entire point of University is to do loads of shit your parents wouldn’t approve of. You just need to be sober long enough to actually get a qualification, and hold down a job, and they will kind of leave you to it. Well that’s how it worked in my day, its so bloody expensive these days there’s probably no point unless you want to be a Doctor. I don’t suppose a degree in Golf Course Management is really worth spending £27k on. But lets not tell my children. Lets just hope they try their best and work really hard at everything they do.
  7.  Quadratic equations. I’m fairly sure that only about a quarter of a % of people actually ever really need to understand these. Lets just give it up. They don’t need to know right?
  8.  Puberty. Jesus wept, please tell me someone else is going to explain this to them. I do not have the words.
  9.  That I once ate a swiss roll like a banana. I just peeled the wrapper back and ate it all in big bites until it was no more. This is debauched. This is almost as dirty as fancying Darren Day. And I don’t really want the kids to know I have done this. Especially not as I carefully count out their allocation of a measly 5 chocolate buttons, smiling inanely and telling them what a treat it is.
  10. That I want them to achieve everything they can. That I want them to be the best that they can be, that I want them to be happy, to laugh, to smile, to pass exams, to work, to play, to find what brings them joy. To love, to be loved. To have their heart broken, to break hearts. To act the fool but to never actually be a fool. To be amazing. I cant tell them that. Its too much fucking pressure……
Life Love and Dirty Dishes


    1. What a great idea for a post. There are so many things that I do not want my kids to know! My favourite part of this was “it’s almost as dirty as fancying Darren Day” which is truly filthy. Do you? ! Xx

      1. It might have happened for a couple of weeks and was then buried deep in the recesses of my memory. It only re-appeared after Big Brother. I always did have a thing for a wrong’un.

    1. Swiss roll is gold!! But YES YES YES to almost all of these, except Darren Day. But really, when they are older…if they ask…do you tell??? A great #fridayfrolic

      1. I’m still in two minds. I think it depends on the fact, but I am eternally fearful of their judgement. xxx

      1. Exactly, and my Mum only knew a small percentage of my shenanigans (although I reckon she knows a lot more know! )

    1. Ahaha this is brilliant! Who hasn’t called their child a dickhead at some point?! I thought that was normal…I actually loved it when my parents told me all the things tbey’d done when they were younger, it made me feel a lot more able to be honest with them and get their advice on things. But I was the fourth child so I guess they couldn’t be bothered to lie anymore hahah. I’m rubbish at lying so I imagine my son and any future children will hear all the gory details about my life before them. #FridayFrolics

      1. I’m sure some things will sneak out despite my best intentions! I wont be able to help myself. And he was being a dickhead. Toddlers are dickheads most days. We still love them though. Hmmm I wonder if my parents ever called me a dickhead. I wonder if they’d admit to it anyway! thanks for reading xx

    1. Aaah, this was soooo good!!!!!! Hilarious, but really thought provoking and touching. You’re right, how do we strike the balance between honesty and letting them have loads of fun, but also making sure they stay sensible and make the right choices?? I laughed at number 4, I’m really sorry, it’s not funny at all, it’s quite early and I’m a bit depraved!! And 9 forced tears of laughter from my eyes…!!!! Amazing!! I think I’m going to tell my children pretty much everything-my dad tells me all about his drug taking lambretta driving days, and trysts with questionable women at parties, and his stories make me laugh! My mum doesn’t know he tells me though, she’s a little more conservative!! It’s a tough choice, what to tell them without ruining their opinion of you!!

      1. Your Dad sounds cool! Hmmm maybe I will seem cool and not just like an massive drunken fool. Time will tell. thanks so much for reading, still loving your fabulous blog xxx

    1. Brilliant as usual. OMG my worst humdinger would have to be THE one nobody wants to tell their kid (unless they married their kids’ father)…how I popped my cherry. Such a shameful tale. Just wow.
      Number 5, bless but you still make it sound funny and yeah 6. What is WITH that? Used to be you went to uni a) to get s***faced and b) get a degree. Now you go a) to get a degree and b) to die bankrupt Pffft.
      This whole post cracked me up. Very few people who make me laugh like you, you fat blond Kardashian. I DID NOT JUST TYPE THAT.

      1. oh my god, I didn’t even think about the virginity tale. eugh, never never never to be told to my children ever ever. High praise from my most esteemed blogging hero. xx

    1. Haha, yes, I had not thought about it before, but I think there are definitely things you do not want your kids to know! & it was probably easier for parents to achieve that before the internet age. For us, and even more for generations that follow us, it’s clearly going to be like when people suddenly realise there is something prospective employers must not know & start trying (unsuccessfully) to remove all online records of said embarrassing event. #fridayfrolics

      1. Quite! I remember my Dad telling me nuggets of information and me never looking at him in quite the same way again!

    1. What a great post. Washing machine huh? #Genius. You run it and no one is the wiser until you tell everyone on the internet.
      We are #BlogStar sisters thanks to Prabs.

    1. Ha ! This is so funny , you forget sometimes you had a life before kids , mine would be horrified if they heard some of my stories .

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