So you had a life before the kids right? You probably threw up in some nightclub toilets, had sex in a field at least once, and definitely lied to your parents. So the burning question is…..given a choice, would you ever want your kids to know this?
As the children grow, I am becoming increasingly aware of all the things I’ve done that I never want them to know about – let alone try for themselves. To be fair, writing this blog is probably a terrible idea, as I’m about to draw your attention to them, and maybe one day my offspring might even read it (God help them). It’s not that I am necessarily ashamed of my past, (although I don’t know anyone who is actually proud of vomiting in a washing machine), more that I am concerned that whatever respect they may have for me, may be jeopardised by knowing me better. And actually there are some things about the big wide world I want to hide from them forever too. I don’t want them to grow up naïve, but I don’t want them to be jaded. How do you strike the balance?
So here are my top 10 things that I never want my kids to know.
- That you can actually drink 10 pints of cider without dying. – Really you can. You might wish you had died, when you remember the ugly boy you snogged in O’Neills, you might appear to have lost one of your shoes, but you are still breathing (just don’t let anyone smell your breath to check)
- That I ever had sex with anyone that isn’t their Dad. Telling them this is tantamount to spraypainting “slag” outside my house, and signing us all up to the next series of Geordie Shore.
- That I once called one of them a Dickhead in the Harvester when they were a toddler. Once they are a parent, they will probably understand. Until then, they will never know the frustration of leaving their father to decimate the “Combine Harvester” while you physically wrestle them away from the self service coke dispenser. Avoiding making eye contact with the tracksuited teenager who has coke running down their left leg, did not prevent it from being my fault.
- That I dropped one of them on their head when they were 2 weeks old. They probably don’t need to know that, although it does explain a lot.
- How much time I have spent crying over stuff. I am a strong confident woman who is not to be messed with right? Who am I trying to kid? I’m like a fat blonde Kardashian, (but you know, in a cardigan, with sensible shoes). I can’t keep my shit together for more than about 5 minutes.
- That the entire point of University is to do loads of shit your parents wouldn’t approve of. You just need to be sober long enough to actually get a qualification, and hold down a job, and they will kind of leave you to it. Well that’s how it worked in my day, its so bloody expensive these days there’s probably no point unless you want to be a Doctor. I don’t suppose a degree in Golf Course Management is really worth spending £27k on. But lets not tell my children. Lets just hope they try their best and work really hard at everything they do.
- Quadratic equations. I’m fairly sure that only about a quarter of a % of people actually ever really need to understand these. Lets just give it up. They don’t need to know right?
- Puberty. Jesus wept, please tell me someone else is going to explain this to them. I do not have the words.
- That I once ate a swiss roll like a banana. I just peeled the wrapper back and ate it all in big bites until it was no more. This is debauched. This is almost as dirty as fancying Darren Day. And I don’t really want the kids to know I have done this. Especially not as I carefully count out their allocation of a measly 5 chocolate buttons, smiling inanely and telling them what a treat it is.
- That I want them to achieve everything they can. That I want them to be the best that they can be, that I want them to be happy, to laugh, to smile, to pass exams, to work, to play, to find what brings them joy. To love, to be loved. To have their heart broken, to break hearts. To act the fool but to never actually be a fool. To be amazing. I cant tell them that. Its too much fucking pressure……