Lidl Surprises.

I usually do an internet shop for food. It’s easier. Really who wants to drag 2 small children round the supermarket. You end up handing them random things to eat on the way round while they moan about how bored they are (Or just cry endlessly in protest). Quite regularly I find myself singing loudly to the Incredible Hulk (21 months) in an attempt to placate him.We usually end up singing Old Macdonald Had A Farm, all the way round while strangers stare at me like the mad lady I quite clearly am.This weekend I was a victim of my own poor planning, and with cupboards barer than old mother Hubbard, we made an experimental trip to Lidl. I keep being told by people that I ought to try Lidl. I only needed a few bits – the internet shop was booked for Sunday, so I thought me and the Hulk would give it a go.

We collect a trolley, I stare aghast, no straps. Who designs trolleys with no straps? Personally I’d chose a trolley with a straight jacket if one were available, but at least the strap restrains the Hulk for a while. I pop him in and start whooshing the trolley as quickly as possible in the hope that the movement prevents him from escaping. We start well, they’ve got a bakery, so all the bread is fresh and still warm. I am afforded the time to choose what I want as the bakery man is currently emptying out his mobile ovens onto the shelves. The Hulk is mesmerised. It’s like a small vehicle filled with food, these are indeed a few of his favourite things. He can’t believe his eyes and points states and says “ooook!”.

It is when we move on from bakery that the trouble begins. Without a restraining strap, he soon realises he can stand up in the seat. After putting him back in about 17 times I give up and let him roam free. We make it to the ham and cheese area – which is amazing and very cheap. I task him with putting all the items I select in the trolley, he loves it, cackling excitedly in delight, whilst snatching the ham out of my hand and racing for the trolley. I am momentarily distracted by the fine array of continental cheeses and I turn around to discover he is now putting some ham in someone else’s trolly. Oooops. I look again and realise the other 2 trolleys near by appear to have 3 packs each of the same ham. We quickly vacate the area before anyone notices their “Lidl Susprises”.

I am drawn, like the alcoholic I clearly am, to the wine. Now the hulk has gone ferrel and is just pulling items off the shelves and onto the floor. I have what I need for lunch and dinner so I abandon all ideas of choosing wine, grab the nearest bottles and we join the queue. It is very long. I find myself shamelessly executing a full rendition of Heads Shoulders Knees and Toes to entertain the Hulk. Although he joins in at home, today he stares at me with a mixture of confusion and amusement (much like the other queuers) and then tries to run away.

I recapture him and try to distract him with a buffalo mozzarella. I fail. He legs it again and hides in strange shelves with bags on them. We continue playing this game of chase until we can leave. I strap him into the car seat and scoff down one of the cut price milka bars I selected on the way round. It really would have been easier to just feed them the super noodles and wheetabix with a side order of carrots, that I had left in the cupboard, than go through this trauma.

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